Thursday, April 28, 2005

'Pieces of April'

April has always been a volatile month in our household. I’m not sure why that is.

I quit working for David Horowitz in disgust during April a few years back (after I stopped receiving payment). I believe it was also in April I got the ultimate screw job from Christopher Ruddy, while slaving for him. I got canned from my last radio job during April back in the last century.

April has always been a bellwether month for me and the family. For some reason things just happen during April.

This April hasn’t been any different.

Not everything is always bad... Michelle and I celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary this month. The coupon site has taken off in earnest. Although Michelle got canned from her job this month it came at a good time because we needed her home for the business.

So... another volatile April it is.

Perhaps April signifies change in seasons and in dispositions. Although I’m not sure why God has decided it should.

Maybe God doesn’t decide this at all. Maybe it’s just that, as the last of the snow melts, people become more active again and their behavior causes the volatility... as they try to make up for the missed winter months.

I think it's somewhat significant that I saw my first fly yesterday. The only fly in the house and it got right in my face as if to say, “we’re back... it’s April!” The flies will be out in force soon, as there will be no more frosts to discourage them.

April is also the month the car battery begins to die, because the temps waver from very cold to lukewarm every night. It’ll be 30 degrees on some nights and 80 degrees later in the day. After a harsh winter, the darned battery just can’t take it.

Every April Tom across the street starts cutting/vacuuming the grass in his teeny-tiny front yard for about two hours each week. This would be perfectly normal behavior except that he always does this at 9pm.

April certifies that I’ll be back down by the river soon, allowing the trout to pass me by. We’ll be back out on the bikes too, riding through the park, dodging the Mexican gangs.

April is also our signal that heat is on the way. It gets ridiculously hot here in Pueblo during the summer. April is sort of like the gateway to hell.

So we’ve had our month of volatility and change. We can say “buh-bye” to April now.

Buh-bye, April.

We won’t have to see your sorry ass for another year.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

"Man of God"

Recently, I registered at a website that ordains ministers.

I am now an ordained minister (I prefer “pastor”).

It was quite easy to do... I just put my name, address and email into the template and also included my “Statement of Faith.”

I don’t have a problem with how contrived people might think this is. I now have the cards, Ids and credentials to perform weddings, officiate at funerals and get past security at prisons.

I’m not sure about it but I think I can also damn people to hell if I want (don’t worry, though... unless you piss me off I won’t do this).

My son, Lawrence, is especially ticked off at me. He’s absolutely incredulous about my becoming a pastor, as if it has confounded his tactics against my authority as his father and given me some extra power he is not prepared to contend with...

“You can’t just go to a web site and become an ordained minister!”

Used to be I could just threaten to take something of his away for misbehaving. Now I can threaten him with God too.

He is not amused.

Just so you don’t worry, I will not let my becoming a pastor change me in the least. I won’t be like what sadly passes for church leadership today.

I won’t...

  • Excuse shitty behavior by people in my flock.

  • Tell anyone “if it feels good, do it.”

  • Treat God like an under-paid bellhop at a seedy Cleveland hotel.

  • Deny donations of bread for the poor by people who are not “members” of my church.

  • Deny donations of bread TO the poor because they are not members of my church.

  • Claim I have the power to heal and that if it doesn’t work you “don’t have enough faith.”

  • Proclaim Jesus “went to hell” after the crucifixion to grab some keys or something.

  • Go on TV to ask for donations to get trucks to deliver free potatoes to starving people knowing damn well that I don’t have “free potatoes.”

  • Start a university.

  • Assert that if I don’t get a certain dollar amount of donations by the end of the month I’ll die.

  • Purchase a personal jet.

  • Allow my wife to cake heavy makeup onto her face.

  • Incorporate.

  • Hang out with the Crouches.

  • Hang out with phony “Christians” like George W. Bush.

  • Say something God must hate like “it’s God’s Will” when somebody does something horrid to somebody else.

  • Dress like a cheap, mafia hood or a sleazy New Orleans whorehouse pimp.

  • Expect people to fall down backwards when I wave my hand.

  • Sell out my congregation or denomination to some scheme by a phony Christian in the White House in exchange for tax dollars.

  • Tell anyone who has something bad happen to them that they “must have done something wrong” to God.

  • Speak as if I know for sure exactly what God has planned.

  • In fact, if I do anything it will be with the thought in mind that I should not do anything the same way the ones who pass for “church leadership” do things.

    In fact... just about ANYTHING they do at all.

    It’s too bad my son doesn’t like me being a pastor. I think I’ll be darned good at it.

    If the current church leadership doesn’t like what I have to say about things, well...

    They can go to hell!

    Tuesday, April 26, 2005

    "Bad Girls Shows Go to Hell"

    Dear TV Land Guys,

    I don’t watch prime-time network television. Although I’m quite proud of that the consequence has always been that I can sometimes miss entire sitcom runs; I never saw one single Cheers episode while it was running but it is now one of my favorites in syndication, Wings is another one I missed in prime-time but I now watch it whenever I can in syndication, on and on.

    There are also other sitcoms I remember as a child that I can still watch... All in the Family, Bewitched, The Dick Van Dyke Show.

    The reason I have been able to see all of these shows has been because of TV Land. The steadiness and consistency of your older series runs has afforded me many hours of enjoyment in seeing these classic shows.

    TV Land is a fascinating concept, continually offering television viewing that cannot be found elsewhere, a focused experiment that stays true to its ideals through consistency and theme-oriented programming... this theme being that TV Land runs syndicated and older shows in a fresh way and does not deviate from this philosophy.

    Whomever came up with the idea is a programming genius.

    But this programming genius must not be on the executive board any longer, as there has been a fundamental and drastic change in programming that not only deviates from what brought TV Land success in the first place but is also not at all in line with what viewers have always turned to TV Land for.

    In fact... if many viewers are like me they are pissed off.

    Somebody has convinced everyone else in that plush room you all sit in, while deciding what it is us peons want to see, that it would be a great idea to flood TV Land’s airwaves and infiltrate the other programming that has always been the mainstay of your target audience with... something called “Chasing Farrah” (spits for effect).

    “Chasing Farrah,” we’ve learned over and over the past few months, is a show where a couple of unfortunates follow Farrah Fawcet-Majors-O’Neal-Whatever around with a camera filming everything interesting that happens... only nothing really interesting ever happens.

    To the end of presenting “Chasing Farrah,” your network has run promos in every stop-set months prior to the debut of this horrid show and in what seems like every stop-set since the show began. Other shows on TV Land have been pre-empted in order for this “reality” show to be re-run over and over and over again.

    Now... I understand that the concept of the network is to run the same shows over and over but this one has got to go. Farrah was a great poster back in the 70s and you should probably even run Charlie’s Angels as much as you can for those who remember her fondly (I hate that show, btw).

    I also understand that “reality” shows are popular right now and it’s tempting to not want to dive in. I’m sure you guys DID discuss it...

    “Yeah... they’ll love it because Farrah is from the 70s and they’ll want to see her being an asshole to normal people.”

    “We’ve got to dive into this reality market. As we can see in this chart...”

    “Okay. We’ll go with it. Goober... you’re in charge of the project.”

    The problem for your network is that this isn’t what we tuned into you for in the first place. Nobody wants to be reminded by Farrah of how old they are, as they watch this has-been flit about from place to place, her looks long gone, her once-beautiful smile replaced by the obvious set of manufactured choppers.

    If the idea is to run a “reality” show, perhaps, for me, there’s way too much reality involved.

    The person who sold your network on this turkey of a show should be fired and banished to MTV, where he/she can program for the ones this sort of show is aimed at; only that still shouldn’t be Farrah... maybe Carrot Top or something.

    One last note: If All in the Family, Cheers or Three’s Company get bumped much more for “Chasing Farrah” and you keep running those stupid promos, inevitably preceded by that redundant and tacky ComCast spot with Harriet and that awful singing “we thank you Harriet... Harriet,” you will not only turn off this viewer but, also, viewers like my daughter. She’s only 12 and wasn’t around for Three’s Company. She loves that show and when she sees Farrah in its place she always has the same response... “Awwww.”

    Get it together, turkeys.


    Kerry Fox, old fart

    Friday, April 08, 2005

    ‘The Patriot’

    Each month 30,000-plus illegal aliens sneak across our southern border in violation of federal laws.

    Each year it costs the United States billions of dollars to incarcerate the ones who subsequently break other laws.

    Each year hospitals in cities all along our southern border are overcrowded and bankrupted under the shear weight of illegals who cross the border or stay for the sole purpose of getting free health care.

    Each year additions to our country’s welfare roles grows leaps and bounds, from pregnant illegals who cross the border then have their babies here and those who establish themselves in this country with the aid of the federal government.

    Each year — and especially the past several years — jobs for American workers have decreased and benefits offered by employers have decreased do to the hiring of illegals by American companies, with a wink from the federal government.

    Each year the restrictions on legal immigration become tighter for those coming from any other country but Mexico. Enforcement also becomes more strident each year against the legal immigrants at the behest of and in favor of the Mexican government.

    Estimates of illegals now in the United States range anywhere from 10 to 30 million, with our federal government turning a blind eye to the situation and with our president even considering an amnesty for these lawbreakers under a PC, feel good renaming of the term “amnesty.”

    In response to all of these statistics and detrimental and unfortunate facts President Bush has...

  • Said it is “not possible” to guard our southern border.

  • Discouraged enforcement of the federal law against illegal immigration and, in fact, has proposed legislation to excuse the crimes.

  • Increased enforcement and further restricted legal immigration from nations other than Mexico.

  • Encouraged more illegal immigration by defending the lawbreakers in speeches.

  • Insulted the American people who have repeatedly asked Bush to enforce our immigration laws by calling them “bigots.”

  • Promised to secure our southern border and then shifted monies and personnel away from the effort.

  • Spoken up ardently against and used the power of his office to politically intimidate those in the federal government who want the border secure.

  • Referred to American citizens who are voluntarily guarding the border in Arizona as “vigilantes.”

  • Conspired with Mexico’s president, Vincente Fox, to encourage, allow and, eventually, legalize the invasion.

  • Sent federal agents to shadow American volunteers in an attempt to intimidate these patriots.

  • Ignored the presence of Mexican troops currently at our border to help illegals find crossing places around the American volunteers (an act of war for any other country).

  • There are some who argue that all of these actions and inactions by an American president — especially in the aftermath of 911 — is simply dangerous and could allow another terrorist attack.

    This is true... it can. And if the invasion continues unabated, as the president desires... it WILL.

    But there are also those of us who realize that this behavior by the president and the federal government is an act of “treason” toward the ends of increasing profits for American corporations and, as our federal government is concerned, to achieve the watering-down of our culture and heritage as it is purposefully integrated with that of the failed culture and nation of Mexico.

    The fact is that both claims are true. There is nothing good at all about millions of lawbreakers streaming into our country, a high percentage of whom commit other criminal acts once here.

    Criminals from Mexico are robbing our banks, killing our citizens and molesting and murdering our children so the president’s buddies can reap extra profits.

    The detriments are a clear and present danger to our national security, our citizens’ safety, our heritage, our language, culture, values, traditions and the health of our economy.

    There are few cities and towns across the nation that have not been affected adversely by this on-going criminal enterprise between our federal government, the government of Mexico and the corporations for whom Bush works surreptitiously.

    The president’s posture on this — no other word describes it accurately — “invasion” is a violation of his oath of office, a disservice to the American people and, in my humble opinion, treason against his own country... which he was elected and sworn to protect against “enemies foreign and domestic.”

    At this moment, in Arizona (a weak point in our national defense, allowed and aided by President Bush), American volunteers have gathered to continue a physical presence that is slowing down the illegal crossings.

    These true American patriots recognize the problem, care about their nation and are actively doing what they can to stop the invasion, in the absence of meaningful leadership. Meanwhile, there can be no doubt about with whom the American president continues to side: Non-Americans.

    The president has said that “we cannot guard our border.” At the same time, he has claimed that we CAN guard the nation of Iraq. It is not so much that we are able or unable to do one or the other, the sad fact is that President Bush is WILLING to do one INSTEAD of the other.

    Right now, a few hundred American citizen volunteers are proving this traitor to be the disingenuous liar he is and, likely, always will be.

    The Minute Men guarding our border, where the American president will not, are deserving of our prayers, our praise, our respect, our aid and our contributions.

    Please do what you can to help.

    Nothing less than our nation's security, our sovereignty and the health, safety and future of our children depends on this.

    "If ye love wealth greater than liberty, the tranquility of servitude better than the animating contest for freedom, go home and leave us in peace. We seek not your council nor your arms. Crouch down and lick the hand that feeds you, and may posterity forget that ye were our countrymen." --Samuel Adams

    Thursday, April 07, 2005


    What the hell's the matter with people?

    I used to think that my experiences were just a matter of logistics... "people around this town," "live someplace where they have decent people," etc. But the more I see, the more I believe that there is something seriously wrong.

    How hard is it to know how to behave anyway? All anybody has to do is watch a couple of John Wayne movies. John Wayne never lied or behaved like a chicken shit. John Wayne was always motivated to do whatever the right thing was.

    I miss John Wayne.

    In my neighborhood, I'm surrounded by chicken shits. Not one single time has any "neighbor" of ours — in four years — approached us with a problem, concerning our children or anything else. What they do is wait until we aren't looking and approach our children with the problem...

    "You'd better tell your parents to tell you to stop that."

    Mostly, if the neighbors have a problem about something, they will simply act upon it, in a chicken shit sort of way, without talking to us or the children.

    For instance, about eight months ago, when the people next door were moving out, the children grabbed a bunch of junk from around that house, dragged it across the street to the vacant lot and build something resembling a "clubhouse."

    If you have children you know this is perfectly normal behavior. I surmised that they were doing nothing that was dangerous or intrusive to anyone else and told them to make sure they didn't scatter the stuff around. No other neighbors said a word to me, even though everyone saw what they were doing.

    Naturally, since none of the other neighbors own that lot, I thought nobody minded.

    Kid stuff, right?

    Across the street from us lives a very nice woman, her two grown daughters and... her incredibly asshole, unfriendly, self-centered and chicken shit husband, Tom.

    Since winter ended he has been out in his yard a lot more, raking, vaccumming and snipping at the grass in his front yard constantly. This has always struck me as odd because his front lawn is about the size of an extra-large bathroom. Yet he uses a variety of tools and spends many hours on its care.

    Now, Tom doesn't own the vacant lot next to his house, he's never complained about the children playing there and he never has spoken to me about the kids' clubhouse. But, yesterday, while he knew the kids were inside busy with schoolwork, he dragged some of the junk from the lot — including some drywall — and tossed it into our driveway, breaking drywall all over the place.

    Total chicken shit, right?

    We aren't talking about a young punk who thinks he owns the neighborhood. This is an older, retired guy on disability, who spends most of his time primping his teeny, tiny front yard, grunting if you say "hello," and making drug deals with his buddies employing the marijuana plants he thinks he is hiding in his backyard...
    which he apparently believes are obscured by the tremendouly tall trees at the front fence.

    Perhaps the kids' clubhouse is too close to his secret garden at harvest time or something. The kids tell me they can see the plants and that Tom, every now and again, snips them and then hands baggies to people in his front yard.


    I learned a couple of years ago that talking to Tom is a complete waste of time... totally different wavelength there. Attempt to talk to Tom and the word "disability" takes on a whole new connotation.

    Earlier this year, LA tried to sell him some Boy Scout popcorn and Tom actually answered the door with a joint in his hand.

    "The guy in the alley" is another chicken shit. He lives across the alley with his ugly and nasty-nice wife, who looks as though she was beaten as a small child. I say this only because this activity is usually a systemic family thing, handed down from parent to child, and we can sometimes hear their only daughter begging for mercy and also hear the mother whipping her.

    We had to stop letting the children play in the backyard because "Lurko," as the children call him, patrols the alley as if it is his own personal domain. Whenever he sees me or my wife he shrinks into the confines of his house or the bushes in his backyard.

    He's never attempted to talk to my wife or I about any problem he has, as a grown man might do, real or imagined, concerning the children, the dog or what he perceives to be his own private alleyway.

    But he has approached the children on several occassions and taunted them while he tosses handfuls of dirt at our Beagle, Pearl. I usually find out after the fact and when he has slinked away back to his hole.

    He even did this once with another grownup at his side, which prompted me to call the police for advice. The children will watch, aghast, at the actions of this "grown man" and he will say brave things to them like "Yeah? You got something to say about it?"

    Because the police say one never knows what a cowardly maniac might do they advised me to avoid confrontation and contact them the next time something like this happens. I instructed the children not to play in the backyard.

    "Lurko" usually becomes more active in the spring and summer, so I imagine that, like Tom, he will be out and about again soon and a confrontation involving the police is only a matter of time.

    I blame "Lurko" for his pompous attitude, his cowardice and his chicken shit assaults but I can't really blame him for hanging out in the alley. I think I would do the same if I were living with that horrid and shrewish wife of his (we hear him getting balled out by the wife on occassion).

    In the meantime, I scan the state molester pages on the Internet every day looking for his photo.

    The other neighbors are unfriendly and cloistered people who, apparently, don't like us either. But, they mostly leave us alone and, if they DO have a problem, they are too cowardly and immature to say anything.

    These people are not just grownups but also older people, mostly without children, who SHOULD know how to behave and know that decent behavior is based upon manners and maturity. So, if we have done things to them, I'm comfortable that whatever it is we've done is more responsible and mature than their reactions to the offenses.

    I don't know what's wrong with society. But I don't believe it to be "logistics" anymore. I think we'd run into facimiles of these creatures anywhere we go.

    Every now and again, I dream of a place where our children can play safely... a place where if someone has a problem they might mention it in a friendly way and ask us to correct it. In this place I dream about grownups will watch out for everyone's children and talk to the other parents to correct behavioral problems.

    The problem for us here is that our children are more mature than any of the "neighbors" and it is the neighbors who have the behavioral problems.

    I miss the hell out of John Wayne.

    Wednesday, April 06, 2005

    ‘In the Bedroom’

    My wife and I celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary on the 11th. This past week I moved all of my belongings out of our bedroom.

    “Trouble in paradise?”

    “Desiring of a parole hearing more than you are looking forward to your anniversary?”

    No. None of that.

    There just isn’t any room for any of my stuff. The coupon business has moved me aside.

    It’s a good thing too. Nothing of mine was safe in my bedroom anymore anyway. My things ended up being buried underneath the containers of coupon inserts and tossed around by the family if it got in their way.

    Since my wife is in charge of keeping track of inventory, naturally all of the coupon orders are clipped and assembled near her computer... and that atrocity of piles and stacks of paper she refers to as her “desk.”

    This “desk” of hers also overflows onto the bed behind her, then onto my side of the bed. I often have to wait while things are removed in order to lay down.

    I stopped calling it “the bedroom” weeks ago and now refer to it as “the bedlam.”

    I now even do a careful check of the bed before laying down, if I’m brave enough to enter, as I plopped down on a pair of scissors not long ago.

    Shards of paper, the remnants of the outer layers of coupons from the inserts, now cover the floor. The things are everywhere. They stick especially well to socks and are being tracked throughout the house. I even saw some sticking to the dog’s butt, recently, when she got up from one spot to go lay down in another (why do dogs do that, by the way?).

    Since there are inserts and coupons and kids and clippings and dogs in my bedroom most of the day, I’ve taken to staying at my computer in the living room longer. But it’s not quiet or calm out here either. I can hear the others right now, bickering over which coupon to clip for whichever order they are working on.

    Whenever Michelle gets an email she hollers, “INCOMING!” Then, a moment later, “we got another order!”

    Yes. I AM grateful and thankful for the success this business of ours is having. The whole thing is just a change in lifestyle, and change as drastic as this is not always easy for me.

    The business has been going so well lately that even though Michelle might be canned from her full-time job this week (the company has been gradually moving operations to India)... we aren’t even worried about it.

    I suppose if we are going to change direction to working from home and supporting ourselves with our own business we might as well do the Full Monty right away.

    So, in this, we are quite fortunate. But when Michelle is able (or forced) to work at home full-time I imagine things will get even nuttier.

    There IS an extra couch downstairs...


    Tuesday, April 05, 2005

    ‘Elmer Gantry’

    "Christian" George W. Bush loads water for
    supporters while Terri Schiavo dehydrates.

    Where is “Christian” George W. Bush? For that matter, where is “conservative” George W. Bush?

    If you have Christian and conservative leanings, as I do, these are apt questions these days. But, then, they’ve been apt questions for years now.

    Frankly, I don’t see what it is the liberals have to complain about with this “Christian-conservative” president. He doesn’t do anything “Christian” and he has yet to do anything that can be called “conservative.”

    You can add the word “patriot” to that list because George W. Bush is certainly no patriot.


    Well, like the great “healer” Benny Hinn, Bush talks a good game. The problem is that Bush insults and punishes Christians before anyone else.

    It was Bush who was praising Islam as “a religion of peace” even while thousands were buried and incinerated inside the smoldering ruins of the Twin Towers.

    If George W. Bush has spoken out even once about the removal of God and His word from our public institutions, the courts and public schools and their events, or even defended the Boy Scouts against the ones who would destroy that organization... I certainly missed it.

    It is Bush who “values life” but NEVER speaks up about abortion much less acts on it.

    It is Bush who calls himself a “Christian,” speaks to God each day and, then, decides to enable the public education system to combat Christian homeschoolers and their parents behind the weight of the federal government.

    It is Bush who postured about erring “on the side of life” but, then, talked of “legalities” when a handicapped woman was starved to death by judges and legislators who also call themselves “Christian-conservatives.” It is George W. Bush who, as Texas governor, signed a state bill allowing the unplugging and murder of hospital patients who could not afford to pay their bills.


    The notion is laughable on its face.

    Rhetoric to his supporters aside... George W. Bush is simply the least conservative president we’ve ever had, next to Franklin Delano Roosevelt; he’s never vetoed one single bill, much less one single spending bill. He’s created additional departments, increased spending across the board for all our bureaucratic monsters and enlarged the deficit, both on trade and regards federal revenue.

    He’s further empowered the federal government against American citizens, stripped Constitutional rights away from the people he serves and given additional powers to federal agencies on rights of seizure while halting civil rights for citizens in the process.

    Divided down to brass tax — especially considering his policies on trade, employment and border security (which will, ultimately, give access to a terrorist attack) — George W. Bush has given aide and comfort to the enemy.

    This is the definition of “conservative”?


    In taking a break from his rhetoric about trade, with which he sides against American workers, in favor of foreign countries that use child and slave labor (policies still in an accelerated mode), Bush — at this moment — is also siding against American citizens and with another country over an American federal law he fails to acknowledge, much less enforce... as is his sworn duty.

    With a wink from our own federal government, the neighboring despotic and failed nation of Mexico is in the process of invading our country. That nation has condoned, encouraged and expedited this invasion with all its governmental authority and has also parked troops at our border to back up this invasion and intimidate our citizens (an act of war).

    American citizens have rallied on their own to aid landowners at the border, enforce the law Bush refuses to enforce and stop illegals from crossing. But, “patriot” Bush goes on television and refers to his fellow citizens as “vigilantes.”

    Forget about “charity begins at home.” Bush is no “patriot.” He’ll side against Americans on any front and with any dictatorship, kingdom, theocracy or communist country against his own country and contrary to the oath he has sworn to uphold.

    He does this with every action he takes. Bush has never — not one single time — found it within the scope of his sworn oath to side with American workers, citizens, Christians, handicapped people, homeschooled children, seniors, our national sovereignty, our Constitution, our culture or ANY traditional American entity and identity.

    In fact... he has done the polar opposite in each instance, with a lie on his lips, his purported Constitutional beliefs on the back burner and — after a personal audience with the Almighty — with twisted logic and rhetoric straight from the pit of Hell.

    Just as a bible, silk suit and a request for tithing doesn’t make the phony Christian and snake oil salesman Benny Hinn a pastor, who speaks the “word of God,” the deceptive language and politically-correct sugar-coating of actions contrary to his stated positions and that of his own political party doesn’t make George W. Bush anything he pretends to be.

    Yet, unfortunately — even though there is some evidence that true Christians, conservatives and patriots are catching on to the act — like the ones “healed” by Benny Hinn, who fall down backwards when the good pastor waves his hand, many so-called “Christians” and “conservatives” still buy into Bush’s rhetoric on what they claim as their beliefs.

    God bless the United States of America...