Tuesday, October 05, 2004

‘Dumb and Dumber’



They have been everywhere the past couple of weeks, on every newscast, in many newspapers and in polling firm and television network “focus groups.”

They are the most important people involved in the US Presidential Election. In fact: They will decide the election’s outcome. Such is the magnitude of their intellectual prowess, beliefs and experience.

Who are these people?

They are the constantly sought-after “undecided” voters.

Right now, each presidential candidate and their staffs are trying to figure out how to appeal to the "undecided" voters. Everything the candidates do for the rest of the campaign will be done to lure these people into their respective columns on November 2nd.

Think about what it takes to be an “undecided” voter inside 30 days before the vote:

You can’t have watched many newscasts, read many papers or talked about politics with many knowledgeable people.

You can’t belong, faithfully, to any political party… unless you signed up on union orders or to just “get laid.”

You can’t have much passion about many of the issues either; considering that “undecided” voters haven’t made up their minds about two “major” candidates with philosophies so diametrically opposed as to be as different from each other as a Mercedes and a Yugo.

Remember… in order to be an “undecided voter” you have to work in the phrase “I don’t know” or a derivative at the beginning, middle or end of each sentence you utter. The more professional “undecided” voters manage all of these.

“Undecided” voters are crawling out of the woodwork everywhere these days. The other day, on the back of the Mighty Pueblo Chieftain (sarcasm over), “undecided” voters were featured rambling about their indecision on the matter of the presidential election…

“Gee. I’m just not sure. I mean, Bush has been bad but Kerry could be worse. I wish I knew which would do what.”

“Iraq is a mess and we have to win at all costs or get out. I don't know who will cost us more. I'm not sure we should stay either.”

“I wish I knew who to vote for. It’s such an important decision. I may not know until I’m in the voting booth.”

I should mention that next to each respondent’s name was listed their profession. Most were listed as “unemployed.” No doubt these people can’t decide whether to work, where to work or why they don’t. They also can’t decide whether they or one of the presidential candidates are to blame.

I mean… they just don’t know.

The “focus groups” on TV are a fun, yet depressing, thing to see. Featured are “undecided voters” from all walks of life. They are shown clips of the candidates on a monitor and then vomit out their thoughts…

“I don’t know. Kerry’s hair was a bit out of place. He licks his tongue a lot too. I’m concerned how this might come into play during cabinet meetings. Will he have the respect of his Secretaries? On the other hand, Bush...”

“Well… I liked what Kerry said. But… I also liked what Bush said. They both talk so well. I just don’t know.”

I even heard one of them say, “If only we could blend the two of them together…”

Good Lord!

I say… JUST MAKE UP YOUR STUPID MIND YOU IDIOT!!!!!

“Undecided” voters have convinced me of just how little hope there is for our beleaguered nation. I don’t believe that either of the “major” parties are best for our country. Can you imagine if “undecided” voters realized they had more than two choices? They could blow a gasket or something.

I’m sure I’ve seen these people before. They are the ones at the four-way stop who have the right-of-way but wave you to go ahead first, even though it is stupid and illegal.

As much as I despise anyone so ill-informed as to not have an opinion about something so important I realize that it will be THESE PEOPLE who decide the upcoming election.

“Undecided” voters are either a plague on the United States, arising from a screwed-up educational system and furthering a dumbed-down society or they are mutant zombies from another planet.

I can’t decide which.

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